Sometimes we tend to think that as Christians we should have it all together. We should be able to behave and think such perfect things because we hold title. However, only Jesus is perfect. We will be perfected in Him on the day of Christ, but that is NOT by our own doing.
Something the Lord has been reminding me of is that while we should not desire to sin or keep sinning, sometimes we are going to fall. God doesn’t expect us to be perfect right now. He’s meeting each and every one of us where we are and working things out in us, but it’s a process. If we became holy over night, we’d learn nothing. I would even go to say that we’d somehow begin to think that our holiness is because we are holy instead of it being the work of the Holy One in us. We’d start to almost feel like it’s because of our good deeds that we’re holy instead of Christ.
I do not fully understand the process myself and it can be painful at times, but it IS a process. Jesus is consistently working in us to make us more like Him.
I know it’s hard, but don’t beat yourself up about these things. Just repent, pray, and lean closer to God. You are loved SO much by Him and He’s working in you. Don’t give up before you have the chance to truly see this come to pass.