Almost a year ago, I took a leap and reached out to my biological father after years of not having a relationship with him. There were so many wounds that were created as a result of him weaving in and out of our lives, so I wanted answers. I wanted answers ever since I was younger, but for some reason asking him almost a year ago, felt right. It felt like that now was a better time than ever because he worked so close to the place where I used to work. He was literally a couple blocks down the street, which was funny considering how long I was working there.
I wanted answers, but I also wanted to let him know that I forgave him. I didn’t need a “dad” because my stepfather is my dad. He’s been there through EVERY milestone and has supported me through every heartbreak. I also have God, who’s the GREATEST father ever. There’s no need anymore for me to want that. But I knew that in order to go on to the next steps in my life that I needed to get this off of my chest and I needed to heal that part, too. Had nothing to do with anyone else, but had everything to do with me wanting closure.
He explained the reason behind why he wasn’t around and that it had little to nothing to do with the fact that he didn’t love me and asked if we could start over. Naturally, I was apprehensive at first, but I was open because things change and I don’t think he’s a bad person. However, as apprehensive as I was, I was willing to still give things a try.
Fast-forward to now and our relationship with each other still hasn’t changed much. The last time I heard from him, I sent him a text asking when he was free to hang out. We agreed that we would take baby steps because he had to work up to developing that trust again. This was not because I did not forgive him, but because naturally there were guards up, even though I reached out to him. However, he had not responded and has not reached out to me since.
As much as I was tempted to feel upset or to cry because yet again I had these expectations of developing a better relationship with him that weren’t met, I was content. In fact, I didn’t cry at all because I wasn’t even surprised. This has happened before and while people change, I didn’t and still don’t expect people to change over night. It takes time and he has wounds that he still needs to heal and perhaps interacting with me wasn’t helping them. Maybe he still feels guilt or seeing my mother that time was enough to trigger him back to the emotions he felt when he left? I mean, he explained that he left because of his own insecurities due to things that were completely unrelated to my brother and I.
If you by chance are reading this blog post (probably not), I wanted to say that I forgive you… again. I don’t think you are a horrible person nor do I hate you. You’re struggling with a lot and perhaps seeing me and reconnecting with me brought up a lot of things that had not quite yet been healed. For that reason, it was unfair of me to place expectations of you without considering that perhaps these wounds weren’t healed yet. Yes, they were unrelated to me, but I know from experience how hard it is to really love others when seeing them can create a lot of guilt for things gone wrong.
I pray against this feeling of guilt in your spirit and I pray that regardless of what happens or does not happen that you may cling to God and that He may lead you. The ability to even pray for these things for you ONLY comes from God, so that’s evidence of His power to work in situations and people. He’s working through me and I have faith that He’ll work through you. We may never develop any sort of relationship and I am okay with that. Just know that I am still praying for you and that I am still grateful for you.
I hope that you are happy and full of contentment and love. I forgive you.