Side note: Sorry for not posting as much. I’m actually on a mission trip/teaching at a summer camp, so I’ve been crazy busy. There’s also no WiFi at our place, so I would not be able to publish any posts as frequently as I’d want to even if I could. I am currently typing this at the church’s office building. 

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I think oftentimes I am very hard on myself. I over-think, over-analyze, and stress over things that I really should not be concerned about. I get anxiety over things that I should be leaving with the Lord, whole-heartedly. It’s a constant struggle and throughout this entire experience, I have been second guessing myself. I have been questioning whether I am truly doing all that I can do because I haven’t seen many or any come to Christ through this. Not only this, but I am struggling with so much myself and I feel like the enemy has been working hard to get me to believe that I cannot preach or share the gospel authentically because I am still struggling myself.

How can I speak about God’s love for us if I am criticizing my own body behind closed doors? How can I preach about being patient, when there I am stressing out over not having secured a place to live next year?

There’s a lot of uncertainty right now and to be transparent, it can be scary and sometimes discouraging. Sometimes, I am just overwhelmed with the joy of the Lord and other times I’m frustrated with myself, feeling so broken at His feet about my circumstances. There’s so many wonderful things God is doing in my life and yet sometimes I find myself at a place of just feeling so lost in regards of what to do next.

At the same time, I know God’s got me. Even when my anxiety is high, God is saying otherwise — even when I cannot hear Him. Even when He’s seemingly silent, I know and have faith that my Savior is there. As desperate as I am to hear from Him, I know that He’s probably speaking to me already in different forms. He’s reminding me of His love through the breath He breathes into me each morning and through the children that hug me for no reason at all — telling me they love me. He reminds me through each sunrise and sunset that He’s covering me. He reminds me each bill I pay that He’s my provider. He reminds me through what He’s been bringing me through this week that He’s my strength and deliverer.

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Even as I write this, I cannot help but smile at how faithful God’s been. How even though I have not had these awesome, really profoundly obvious interactions with Him this month that He’s still been showing Himself to me. I may not have had prophetic dreams or visions where He’s spoken to me, or an opportunity to watch a child come to Christ, but I have felt the warmth of His love through the Holy Spirit. I have felt Him encouraging me by giving me the strength to endure and continue pouring out to these children — even when I think I can’t anymore.

I cannot be discouraged. It is not my job to save. I am not anyone’s savior. It IS my job, however, to encourage people to follow Christ and to share His goodness. My boyfriend reminded me that worrying about how good of a job I am doing can hinder me from really doing what it is that God is calling me to do. God calls us to freedom in Him. How can I experience that freedom if I am so busy being held captive by my own critical thoughts?

How can I rest in Christ, if I am too busy trying to find security in the things around me?

There is no security in the things around me, which is why each time I make the mistake of getting too comfortable with my surroundings, I am left empty. I am left unfilled and wondering why. It’s because I am filling myself up with temporary things. I am filling myself up with the approval of other people and the temporary affirmation that comes from posting something really thought-provoking online and receiving “likes” for it. It’s not until all of these things are gone and that all of these things fail to fill me that I realize I’ve been seeking the wrong things.

The ONLY security I should have is security in Christ. I have desires and goals, but God’s will for us is to seek HIS kingdom first — not create our own vision for our lives and follow God only so He can bring it to fruition. I have to remind myself of this — especially when I am caught up in seeking worldly things such as financial security. Yes, that’d be nice to have, but God tells us to seek His kingdom first and all else will be given to us according to His will. He will provide for me. It may not be in the way I expect or the capacity I expect, but He will.

He already has.