My anxiety has been at an all-time high the past few weeks. Without disclosing much, it’s been a challenging couple of weeks, but there’s also been many tangible and intangible blessings that have occurred throughout this time.
In just a bit of time, our “goodbyes” will turn into good mornings and goodnights.The physical distance between us will no longer exist and God will begin his work to merge us into one being. We will be finally living together, learning together, and growing together as we seek to grow more in Christ. More than the actual wedding, I am looking forward to that moment of finally being able to his wife and him, my husband. I pray for God’s glory in our marriage and our lives together. I pray we may be willing vessels and participants in this work, desiring to please Him even more than ourselves.
Many times throughout this planning process, I’ve considered eloping, feeling a strong desire to start forever now and escape all of the unanticipated anxiety that comes along with planning. It’s not that I expected it to be peaceful, but I definitely didn’t expect it to be tearful. But I’m learning that planning a wedding, is a lot like relationships.
Sometimes, we enter into relationships and even marriages with the expectation that it’ll be all hunky dory with no problems at all yet soon we realize how much work goes into it. We realize that this person we’re entrusting our heart with has the same potential to make us filled with glee as they do to break our hearts. That can be scary and raw yet very comforting and exciting all the same.
We cannot always run when things get challenging. Similar to my desire to get eloped simply because things were (and kind of still are) getting stressful, isn’t the answer. For some people it is, but I knew for me I didn’t really want to get eloped. I just didn’t want to deal with the process of planning, meeting, paying, waiting, and all that comes with preparing for the big day. Deep down, however, I still wanted that moment where we’d walk down the aisle and profess our love and commitment to each other in front of God and our loved ones. I still wanted that moment where my father would walk me down the aisle, handing me over to my future husband. I wanted and still want that moment. Therefore, the only reason why I’d ever elope was because I was sick of the process.
In our own lives, what if we quit every time things got difficult? If we threw in the towel and gave up, simply because things were too complicated or daunting? As I have been experiencing some challenges in my personal life, I am realizing in the past this has been my pattern. When things get ugly, I flee.
I flee out of fear.
I flee because I can’t see how this situation is going to turn out positively.
I flee to protect myself.
The last one is a big reason for my temptation to go when the going gets tough – protection. You can’t get disappointed again or go through the same pain if you don’t provide an opportunity for it – right?
Sure in some cases that’s true, but I think when we’re so quick to abort the process, we’re missing out on the possibility of God doing something good out our pain. We’re missing out on the possibility of God turning what was meant to destroy us into a testimony that can encourage and even plant a seed to lead someone else to Christ.
For example, if I stopped the planning process by getting eloped, I would miss out on the moments I am now looking forward to regarding the wedding – the choral worship, walking down the aisle with my father, getting ready with my mother, and capturing that moment in time with some of my dearest loved ones. Eloping is great for other people and I am not knocking elopement at all. I’m saying that for me, personally, I realized that my desire to elope was rooted more in my desire to flee the process more than anything. Those moments do matter to me and I’ve dreamt about them since as long as I remember. Therefore, I must go through the process in order to later see that fruit of the big day.
In our personal struggles, sometimes we must go through the process, which albeit is painful, but it’s fruitful in the end and will bear fruits of the Spirit that you know can only come from God.
If you are going through an inexplicably difficult time, I feel you, friend. I grieve with you and would love to pray for you. I hope that you know that even you’re going through a rough time now, that our hope is all around is – Jesus is all around us.
The Cornerstone of our lives, the Encourager when we’re troubled, the Savior of our souls is always near.