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The Event That Changed My Life Forever

August 31, 2016

The event that changed my life was the moment I decided I wanted to truly know Jesus. I know it’s cliche’ and probably expected given that I am a faith and lifestyle blogger, but it’s true.

Before sharing with you exactly why and how that day became so important, let me share briefly a bit about my history.

I was raised in a family of believers and while I definitely acknowledged that there was a God, I didn’t really know Him. I’d pray to Him often when I needed something or wanted to escape a certain situation, but I never knew Him nor truly acknowledged the weight of my sinfulness. The word repentance was far from me and I didn’t even know it’s meaning.

There was once a guy that I really thought I loved. I did practically anything he asked me to because I was naive and searching for affirmation outside of myself and outside of Jesus. I really cared about him and thought, maybe if I do these things, he’ll like me more and he’ll want to commit to me. Again, I was very naive.

Long story short, I found out that he was having relations with someone that I was close with. Now, let me state that we were not in a relationship, so it wasn’t that he cheated. However, at the time, I could not deny the hurt that I felt because all of the suspicions that I had regarding the nature of their interactions were affirmed but was affirmed at a time where I was already breaking at the seams. I do not think he’s a horrible guy at all, but I know in that moment it felt like my world was crashing down on me.

That night I couldn’t stop crying. I remember that I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. I was completely broken and couldn’t stop the tears from falling. I was crying so hard that it became difficult to breathe because I was crying so hard. I texted my brother some text that I don’t really remember, but I remember his response was something to the effect of, “what did he do?” or “what’s wrong?”

I didn’t respond that night because by the time he sent that text, I was already thinking of ways to end it all. Before that night, I often wondered how someone could feel that low that they would end it all. How someone could lose all hope for their future and think that ending it all would be the better option. Yet there I was, in my bedroom, sobbing, feeling unheard, unloved, worthless, and plotting the many ways I could kill myself. I began entertaining whether people would even really care. Would he even really care. These thoughts came rushing in that I now know were from the enemy, but for someone who couldn’t stop crying for nearly an hour, the thought of ending the pain, finding some sort of rest seemed so tempted.

I knew I did not want to do it while my parents were awake because I knew I would be stopped. I knew what time they normally went the bed and made very specific plans to do so at that time. I set an alarm and said I would take a nap, wake up and get it over with at around 3:30am.

Needless to say, that never happened. I woke up the next morning with just enough time to get ready to get to class on time and felt a strong urge to speak to one of the professional therapists the university provided in our university dues.
I didn’t realize it then, but I know now that was God. I know now that despite how truly lost I was and how close I was to ending it all, He kept me from making a decision that would have hurt so many people.

Almost a year after that moment, I bowed down at the altar of my (now) fiance’s home church, sobbing, but not because I was sad, but because I truly felt repentant and because I knew I was tired of running away from Jesus. I was crying because despite how much I could see how wicked I truly was, God was there inviting me to follow Him – still. He was inviting me to serve Him – still. I remember falling on my knees at the altar, feeling almost as if the Lord was opening His arms, welcoming me home, despite my suicidal past and adolescent mistakes. I could sense the Lord joyfully inviting me back into His holy family – flaws and all.

This was the day that my life was truly changed because despite the errors and the pain of my past, I truly sensed the freedom of the Lord. That because of His sacrifice, I live in Him. That because of His love for me, I live. That literally because of God, I am alive and did not successfully kill myself.

I truly owe my life to Jesus. He saved me not just once on the cross, but He saved me from ending things myself. He reminds me that in Him we have purpose and we have an identity. He reminds me that there is power in His precious name. This is why that moment, where I laid my burdens down through a stream of joyful tears and felt God lifting those burdens off my back and onto His, is one that will be the best moment of my life. It’s the moment that completely changed the last few years for me. It’s the moment where I finally understand God’s unending love for us through His unstoppable love for me.

This is still a process for me as there are days where I feel like I am successful at this and days where it’s truly a struggle. But, I am so thankful for Jesus and His sacrifice. I would probably be dead if it weren’t for Him. I know that sounds like I am reaching, but if you knew just how close I was to committing suicide, you would understand that the only thing that stopped me from waking up at 3:30 in the morning to kill myself was Jesus Christ. The only thing convicting me to go to talk to a professional in our colleges’ health system at the time was Jesus.

Although, I am certainly a work in progress, this event that led me to make this decision to finally stop running and to seek to know Him deeper will always be the one that changed my life, forever.

Things to Think About and 5 Verses to Memorize When You Struggle With People-Pleasing

July 26, 2016

I was talking to my fiance last night as he drove me home to my apartment about how frustrating it can be sometimes to care so much. I wish I could say that my “caring nature” or my ability to obsess over what people think was because I’m just inherently a selfless person that is always thinking about others, but we know that would be a lie. What it stems from is my desire to avoid conflict and to avoid disappointing others.

What it stems from is my discomfort after making decisions that are contrary to what others believe in. It can feel so conflicting when these decisions, that you’ve often prayed on or even heard specifically from God to go through with, are not fan favorites of some others. You start to doubt whether you’re making the right decision and whether you even truly heard God.

“Was I imagining things? Was that really Him?”

With certain decisions, I am completely fine. With certain decisions that I am sure I sought God’s opinion and heard from him, I am fine with it because I know that He’s ordained this. However, what about smaller decisions? What about decisions that aren’t always as vivid or as clear? Will I still trust then that the Lord will carry me through or will I trust in what’s comfortable or easy?

As I was writing this and pondering over this struggle, I was reminded of the verse that talks about how it’s almost impossible to seek to please others and seek Christ at the same time:

“For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man I would not be a servant of Christ,” (Galatians 1:10).

It may seem like we can do both, but what if God is calling you to do something that sounds crazy or is something that most people do not want you to do?

Even if we look at examples in the bible, many of the disciples were persecuted for their faith and for having beliefs that others did not attest to. I am learning that if we’re so willing to compromise on these little things that we’re being asked to do, what are we going to do if we’re being asked to compromise on bigger things such as our faith and values just to appease others?

There are going to be decisions that God is calling us to make that others don’t agree with.

There are going to be choices that the Lord is leading us towards that don’t make sense to others and sometimes even ourselves. There have been quite a few moments in my life where I’ve questioned and where I’ve been asked to do things at certain times that really did not make sense to me. Yet, I stepped in out faith, sensing that God was leading me towards it. I need to remember this and remember that while I did that, I will have to do it many times in the future. We all will.

The other verse that hit me is found in John 5:41, where Jesus states, “I receive not honour from men.” (NKJV). Jesus, who deserves all of the honor and the glory, in His life on earth even stated that He does not get glory from men. This statement sticks out to me not only because it shows His humility, but it also reminds me that I cannot seek glory from people. I cannot seek approval and praises of people.

It’s something that God is still working on me on. It’s something that I’m realizing cannot be erased by simple decisions or even big ones. Over 20 years of people-pleasing cannot be erased simply in one year or one day. It takes time and it takes a day-by-day effort. It takes Christ.

I think by the end of the conversation, I realized that this work can not be done by me. That I am not capable of completely removing my on-and-off struggle with that. The only one who can completely erase my struggle with seeking to please others to keep them happy is Jesus. The only one who can and is showing me that my identity is in Him – not in others or their opinions of me, is Jesus. It’s a process, but it’s one that I think God allows, so we’re reminded of our need and ultimate dependence on Him.

So, whatever the struggle or cross is that you bear, bear it knowing that through it you are growing closer to Christ. Bear it knowing that this thorn in your flesh won’t exist forever. Bear it knowing that on the other side there is fruit that can only come from Jesus Christ.

Here are some verses that I am looking to mediate on for the next few weeks and I hope that you are able to find comfort in them, too!

5 Verses to Memorize When You Struggle With People-Pleasing:

“For we speak as messengers approved by God to be entrusted with the Good News. Our purpose is to please God, not people. He alone examines the motives of our hearts.” – (1 Thessalonians 2:4)
“It is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in man.” – (Psalm 118:8)
“And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.” -(Colossians 3:1)
“When a man’s ways please the LORD, he makes even his enemies to be at peace with him.” – (Proverbs 16:7)
“‘He said, “We gave you strict orders not to teach in his name, didn’t we? Yet you have filled Jerusalem with your teaching and are determined to bring this man’s blood on us!” But Peter and the apostles answered, “We must obey God rather than men!”’ – (Acts 5:28-29)

Our Identity is in You.

April 15, 2016

Photo credit: Egzi Polat via Tumblr

Growing up, I’ve always felt a need to be an overachiever, always doing more than my best and never being content with just “good.” I wanted to be the smartest in the class, the top of the class, and be considered for the valedictorian without actually having to give the speech. I wanted the accolades, but at the same time I could not stand being the center of attention. I wanted to be known for doing well, but unknown at the same time. I expected to be praised for being the “smart girl” and then left alone, almost immediately after. It was very weird and to this day, it’s no wonder that I was never fulfilled from that.

However, in hindsight, I made a ton of decisions in my past as a result of this mentality that could’ve been very destructive for me. It’s like at some point, I went from wanting to be unknown to seeking affirmation from other people that were never meant to fill it in the first place. It’s only now, as an adult and a Christ-follower, that I realize how destructive that could have been and how dangerous that was. Any time we’re seeking affirmation outside of Jesus, we’re going to feel a void. We’re going to experience drought once we realize that these things can not fill us. We’ve received the affirming words or re-blogs or whatever else and yet we’re still not filled. We’re still empty, still thirsty, and still seeking the next best void-filler.

It pains me to see so many young girls receiving affirmation in the things around them because I know what that’s like. I know what it’s like to be so wrapped up in wanting to be liked by people that you’re willing to do almost anything to please them — even if it means compromising values you’ve held on to for years. I know what it’s like to feel defeated, depressed, and deflated when those same people you’ve been receiving affirmation from suddenly stop associating with you or criticize everything you do. I also know what it’s like to struggle with believing what they say. I used to be that way, so I understand it and I know it’s effects because I learned it the hard way. One day, it all falls down and it falls down hard, leaving you questioning not just what happened, but who you are because so much of your identity had been formed by other people. It took me years to figure out my identity, because so much of it was dependent on what other people thought of me to be.

This sort of reliance is so dangerous. If you give anyone what much power in being the one to build you and to make you feel like you have a sense of value, all it takes is one word to really tear down your confidence. All it takes is one act to really send you over the edge. Believe me, I’ve been there and I wouldn’t wish that kind of pain on anyone.

Now, let’s see what God says about who we are.

In Isaiah 43, which is one of my favorite chapters in the bible by the way, God reminds us not only who He is, but who we are in His eyes. He exclaims, “Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are Mine” (Isaiah 43:1).

If there was a microphone nearby, right after this sentence would be the perfect time to drop it. What God is emphasizing here is that He not only redeemed us and knows us by name, but that we are His. We are known by God and we belong to Him. I always find this verse so affirming and comforting for me because in a world where we’re given so many labels, it’s a great reminder that more than any of those things, we belong to God. It makes me feel incredibly safe knowing that even if there’s individuals that might infer things about my character that aren’t true, the Creator of the universe says that I am His.

Rest in this for a moment: we are His – the Creator of the universe, the Author of love, the Savior of our souls, and the King of our hearts.

The same One that created the stars in the sky, is the same One that bled on the cross for our sins.

The same God that created all things and said it is good, created us and said the same thing.

The same Savior that spoke these beautiful things that we marvel over into existence, is the same Savior that rejoices over us with singing when we return to Him.

He forms our identity. He is our identity. Our identity is in Him.

I know it sounds cliche’, but you are worth so much more than what others think of you. Take it from someone who spent most of their life seeking affirmation and desiring to be liked by people. You will never be filled by leaning on others to give you the affirmation we already received in Christ when He was crucified for our sins. We are infinitely loved by a God that paid a hefty price just to be relational with us. Think about it, God didn’t need us. We’re sinful people who are more inclined to turn away from God than we are to turn to Him and yet His heart rejoices when we praise Him. We’re more inclined to be unfaithful to Him and yet He’s endless faithful to us. He pursues so passionately and continues to do so.

You are already loved and affirmed as being beloved by God.

You are already purposed and valued by God.

God didn’t ransom us because we had it all together and were perfect people. He ransomed us because He loves us and He wanted us. He ransomed us because actually, we’re pretty messed up people who could not follow the law faithfully without Jesus. He ransomed us because He loves us so much that He wanted us to be able to be reconciled to Himself for His glory and our good. This is not anything we have earned on our own ability. There’s no test we can take or “self-help” book we need to read to receive this love. Unlike anything else in this world, Jesus took on our punishment, willingly, but not because of anything we did. It’s a beautiful gift given just because of who He is — not because of what we’ve earned.
If you’re a perfectionist or someone that likes to control things (like me), it may be hard to process sometimes. That I can receive this beautiful, life-changing gift, simply because I am loved so much. Simply by believing and following Jesus, I am adopted as a daughter (or son) into His family? As mind-blowing as it is given how you cannot find this anywhere else in our society, it’s so true. There is absolutely nothing that we could do to earn this gift from the greatest gift of all: Jesus.

There’s Purpose in The Pain

March 22, 2016

I think we should stop telling people that their breakthrough is right around the corner. As encouraging as that is in those moments when we’re feeling burdened with emotions and weighed down by the challenges we face in our lives, it’s misleading. It’s misleading because we really have no idea whether or not that’s actually true. Unless God said so Himself and told us to tell that particular individual, we really don’t know and we could potentially do more harm than good by being so quick to rush their difficult seasons to the promise land so soon.

As someone going through a very difficult season myself in some ways, I used to really like to hear from people that it’ll be over soon. I liked focusing on the day that this isn’t a struggle anymore and my prayers are finally answered. I’ve often entertained the fantasies of that day, rejoicing and getting tearful with excitement.

Yet, the deeper I have gotten in this, the less I long for flowery responses full of idealistic (and sometimes true) statements about a “breakthrough” and the more I long for prayer and biblical truths reminding me that even though I don’t understand what’s happening, God does. That even though it hurts at times and I feel alone in what I’m experiencing that I’m not. I also need someone to remind me not to throw a pity party for myself, because sometimes I unintentionally do. Sometimes, I feel so weighed down by my struggles that it can be very easy to throw a “woe is me” party for one.

The fact of the matter is, I am not God. None of us are. Therefore, who am I to name-and-claim that this season of life will end tomorrow or the next month, honestly? Who am I to imply that simply because I pray X amount of times a day and I refrained from cursing that man out the other day who kept calling my personal cell-phone despite my polite requests that he cease doing so, that God is going to grant me what I want?

I think what this all is teaching me, as painful as it’s been at times, is just that: I am not God. He sees what I cannot see and has a purpose for my life. It may not include one of those “best life now” kind of lives where I’m rich with a six-pack and vacation house in the mountains where I can post Instagram-droolworthy pictures of me and my husband(not that I have one) drinking coffee and hashtag it “blessed” as we croon over how in love we are. Truthfully, if I were rich, I’d give a large amount of my money away to ministries and whatever else God put on my heart to give it away to. I am also not saying those things are bad, because who wouldn’t want to be able to experience a mountain top moment (literally) wrapped up in the arms of the one you love and that hopefully, God has set apart for you.

Yet, I know that God has a plan for me that is what He created me for. It may not always appear how I envisioned, but each time I look back on what He has done and is currently doing, I realize what He’s doing is better than I would have ever envisioned. I am humbled how God has used me, even in the midst of my weakest moments where I’m exhausted, anxious, broken. How He’s used me to encourage others, despite my own messiness. Just when I think it’s impossible for God to use me because I’m a mess, I’m a sinner, He shows me that He still can. That it is by HIS strength that I can accomplish these things and what He’s willed, He will bring to pass through me by His power.

Even when it hurts, when the anxiety feels to intense it’s crippling and the long period of uncertainty leaves me struggling with doubt, I am grateful for these reminders of God’s strength, presence, and glory in my life. I am so grateful that these moments minister to me that even when I am weak, God is not only strong, but that He still loves me enough to include me in the awesome things He’s doing to bring glory to His name and bring people to Christ. That even through the fire, I’m not alone.

Maybe the storms that others face in their lives are being used by God to draw them nearer to Him or to strengthen them as He prepares them for the next step in their lives. Maybe the pain they’re experiencing can be later used to encourage a nonbeliever who is going through a difficult season and the testimony that this individual has will be that final seed God’s using them to plant in order to bring them to Christ? Who knows how He’s gonna use this painful journey to help them sympathize and journey with someone else?

So instead of being so quick to rush them through this process, let’s journey with them through it and pray for them. This is something I am realizing I need to do as well something I’m sure we all need in our moments of trials. Instead of saying things to temporarily soothe their wounds, let’s soothe them by reminding them that whatever happens Christ is with them, walking with them, weeping them with, and comforting them with His presence. Let’s remind them that thank God, whatever they are journeying through, they are not journeying alone and it’s not for nothing. Sometimes knowing that alone can soothe even the weariest of souls. That no, you’re not alone and the Creator of all things good is walking right beside you working this all out for your good and His glory in His timing. It may not be tomorrow or next year or even the year after that, but in His timing, He will calm the storm and bring you to still waters. Until then, I am journeying through this fire with you, praying that as God walks you through this time that He may fill you with His peace that surpasses all understanding.