Something I often get into the habit of doing whenever something is revealed to me by God is overanalyzing it. I often think of various ways as to how I can bring it to fruition and how certain experiences I’ve had relate to it. I get excited, but I tend to get so excited that I forget that none of the work into bringing this to pass is going to be by me. In fact, my pastor put it best when he said that we tend to “stumble into blessings” just as Ruth stumbled into Boaz. There was no extra planning on her part, but by her following God and His directions, it seemed as if she sort of fell into it. She did not have to do much of anything to meet Boaz and for things to work out the way that they did except to follow God.
I was reading a post earlier from a fellow sister-in-Christ on Twitter and realized that I was so excited about the fact that this time last year God told me that He wanted me to teach His word to young girls, that I, without realizing it, began trying to bring this to pass myself. Needless to say, I could already be doing this but because in my mind I already figured it meant I would get into ministry, I began to rush things. I created a website and everything, but God never told me to do that. Did that I do that per direction of God or because I thought it would be a good idea?
I cannot go ahead of God’s timing. His timing is perfect and while it’s perfectly okay to get excited about things, it is not my job to make these things happen. I cannot move on these things and do what God’s called me to do without direction from God. It’s like working on a major project for a company without direction from your supervisor. You might get some things done, but you may end up having to scrap it and start over or you may end up delaying the opportunity to get the sponsor that they were looking for because you missed key aspects. Similarly, moving like that without the direction of God isn’t going to change His timing, but it will cost us a lot of money and stress that could have been avoided had we waited on God’s timing and followed His lead.
Another thing is, what if God’s calling for me has nothing to do with creating my own ministry as a company? What if He wants me to minister at my place of employment or volunteer during the evening to encourage young girls in abusive situations to keep going? What if He wants me to minister at a place that while is not Christian-based needs the presence of Christ? What if He’s allowing me to do that now at the school that I am at without realizing it?
Short story, as I said previously, I created a website and everything with a title that I thought was revealed to me by the Lord. I ended up branding it with a custom graphics and everything only to find out many months later that the name was already taken and copy-written. Instead of getting mad at God because I had to remove all of the branding I did and change the name, I was reminded that this happened because I moved ahead of God. That this was proof that God didn’t want me to do that and that direction was not from God, but from my own over-analytical nature.
What do I value more, a relationship with Christ or the idea of fulfilling God’s will for me in a way that could very well not be the way God imagined for me? It’s possible to make an idol even out of that. We can become so wrapped up with the idea of starting a ministry or a company that while is biblical, has no direction from God in it at all. We could be so wrapped up in starting a business that we don’t value spending time with God anymore. How could we dare make a business about leading people to Christ when WE aren’t even spending time with Him?
God reminded me that I should desire and focus on seeking Him and that everything else will come to pass by His hands. This goes for job-hunting, too. I don’t even have to make connections for that because God has got me covered and will direct me towards the right people and the right opportunities according to His will and purpose for me. God tells us to “seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.” (Matthew 6:33)
This, I believe, does not mean that we should seek Him only to get rewards in life. God’s not a means for a gift, but He is the gift and the prize. I interpret this as meaning that we need to seek Him above all and everything we need (which God knows of already) will be given to us according to His will. God will bless His children, but our relationship is not about the blessings. God wants us to seek Him, have a relationship and reside in Him. While seeking Him and His word, that’s when you get the direction we need instead of doing things our way and asking Him, “where is He in this?”
I have to remember to seek God first and allow Him to direct me as far as what to do next. I cannot go ahead of God or more so I do not want to go ahead of Him anymore. I do not want to desire a ministry or a business more than I desire just spending time with Him.
He needs to come first. Always.
This song has been beautifully stuck in my head for the past couple of days. I’ve been emotionally out of wack and these past few weeks have been very trying on me. I think on average, I’ve cried about four or five times. It’s been a roller coaster of feeling so positive to feeling so broken about everything around me.
I know that even in these difficult moments, it’s God that is carrying me through it and keeping me from collapsing from all of the pressure and pain that I feel. I know that it’s only by His grace, His love, and His mercy that is keeping me from completely falling apart. I may feel broken at times, but I feel safer being broken with Christ than I do without Him.
I am here because of His love, His mercy, and grace. I would not be here if it weren’t for Him. I just have to trust that even when it hurts, even when it doesn’t feel good, God is carrying me. He is with me molding me and putting these broken pieces together.
Sometimes, I honestly don’t know how God could love me so much. As imperfect as I am and as much as I’ve messed up in the past, He still loves me with all the love He has in His heart. His heart still flutters at the sound of my voice calling out to Him and smiles when I praise Him. God’s love is so unconditional and although I know that I am unworthy of that, the fact that He loves me in the middle of all of that shows me how great He is.
He is truly the only thing keeping me from truly falling apart. He is the glue in my life holding me together with His beautiful love. He patiently crafted us and said it was good. He rejoices over us in singing. I often imagine Him smiling with the sweetest, most beautiful smile there is, joyful at the fact that His children are praising Him and calling out to Him. I imagine His heart fluttering even more than my heart is fluttering right now from the thought of Him doing that.
Even now as I write this, I started crying again except this time it was because all at once I felt His grace and His love cover me, completely. I am drowning in His ocean of grace, love, and mercy. I am completely covered by His love. I am enveloped by Him and it’s beautiful. Even in the moments where I don’t feel it, deep down I know it’s true. If I stop long enough, I can see His grace all around me. I can see Him all around me — taking the daggers for me and protecting me from more than I could imagine.
We don’t deserve His love. We can do nothing to earn nor take away His love for us. He gives is willingly and freely. He loves people — regardless of whether or not people are faithful to Him. He crafted us, uniquely and beautifully. He loves us all the same and yet individually at the same time. It’s an amazing thing. He loves us equally and yet as individuals at the very same time. He hears us all at once.
If His grace is an ocean, we are sinking.
God loves us in our brokenness.
He loves us in the middle of our storms, when we seem too much of a burden for others to deal with.
He loves us when we feel unloved.
He loves us when we are rejoicing with joy.
He loves us when we’re too broken to even know where to begin with our prayers.
He loves us when we want to be loved and He loves us when we need to be loved.
He loves us because He loves
…and oh, how he loves us so.