It’s been a little while since I’ve last posted. I’ve experiencing a LOT of things lately and a lot of moments where I’ve felt overwhelmed with joy and also overwhelmed with pain. I can’t explain it, but I do know that through it all God is doing something in me. I don’t know what it is and it doesn’t necessarily feel good, but I know that I must trust Him and lean on Him. I want to breathe Him and allow Him to work in me. However, sometimes during this season I’ve felt downright sad. Things are being stripped from me (or so it feels like), but I know that He’s up to something and that His will is perfect. It’s painful and I’m certainly struggling through it, but God is sufficient. I must focus on Him through it all.
Additionally, God has been communicating with me in various ways to let me know that He wants me to wait. Between the sermons at church, to Him audibly speaking to me, it’s been made clear to me that the Lord wants me to endure. I remember waiting for the bus Monday morning, feeling overwhelmed with everything that had been troubling me from the weekend, I heard His voice. The bus was running late, which I now know was within God’s plan considering He had something He wanted to teach me/show me. However, God asked me a question that immediately brought me peace after such a dark weekend for me:
“Do you trust me enough to wait?”
Although it seemed directly related to the fact that I was starting to get antsy about the bus being late, it was deeper than that. God was asking me to trust Him. God IS asking me to trust Him. He was asking if I trusted Him enough to endure the pain and the agony of waiting and not being able to “see” things coming together around me. He was essentially telling me to trust Him. My pastor earlier on Sunday had even said that the opposite of waiting is disbelief because we grow impatient and tiresome when we don’t believe or don’t trust that deliverance will come. However, God was asking me if I trusted Him enough to be patient and to relax. What’s pretty funny about it is that He encouraged me to teach at youth group on Friday, where I taught the SAME message He’d been in fact teaching me: waiting and having faith.
The Lord is telling me to wait. Like the early believers waited for the arrival of our Savior, He wants me to wait on Him and wait on things to work out. He has something to show me and that He’s purging me, pruning me, and turning me into a better person. I am imperfect and sometimes I doubt my own abilities, but I must remember that God doesn’t call us because we’re equipped; He equips the called. Therefore, being unable or feeling unable to do something should not stop me from believing it will be done. Christ has the final say and if He was to say that I’ll end up swinging from the Empire State Building, I’m going to do it whether I have the upper body strength or not (which let’s be real, I totally don’t).
God, of course, didn’t tell me to do that, but I used that as an example to say that even though I don’t feel able to do this, through Him I can. Even when I don’t feel like I am ever going to get this right and that things will ever come to fruition, they will as long as they fit within God’s will. Whatever He’s communicated to me as being something He’s called me to do, it’s going to happen.
There’s been a lot that I’ve been struggling to understand, but it’s not meant for me to understand right now. Things seem cloudy and it seems like I’m being stripped of friendships that I valued, but perhaps they aren’t meant to join me on this next journey of my life. Perhaps, we aren’t meant to be close friends because where He’s taking me next is somewhere they can’t come with me on. I’m not sure what’s going on, but I am going to trust Him. As painful as this season is and as painful as it seems sometimes to wait, I trust Him and I want to completely trust Him. I have to. I have no choice, but to trust Him because He knows what’s best. I love Him and the last thing I want is for Him to feel like my trust in Him is contingent upon things going well in my life.
So as I have been, with Your strength, I am going to stick it out. I am going to endure this painful season as you purge me, prune me, and form me into something beautiful. You make all things new and I know You’re changing me. Help me to trust You and experience You along the way.