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Chicken and Bliss

A Philadelphia faith and lifestyle blog fueled by copious amounts of coffee and Jesus

“You’re Not Black Enough!” “But God Says, ‘I’m Precious in His Sight'”

November 19, 2014

 

If it’s one phrase or statement I’ve heard a lot over the course of the years it’s that one and “you don’t talk/act black.” Also, if it’s one phrase or statement that has annoyed me the most over the course of the years, it’s that’s one.

I’ve dealt with this ALL of my life. In fact, growing up this was probably the phrase that I heard the most. I learned code-switching at an early age, which meant that in school and in professional environments I talked different than I did around friends and family. You would almost never hear me use a double negative in a professional or academic environment unless I felt comfortable in it. Why? Because my mom always told me that we have to work TEN times harder than people that were born with opportunities. I have to work ten times harder in professional environments to show that I’m capable of doing the same work as someone that perhaps grew up in a different environment than me.

I could go on a rant, but I wanted to talk more about what God reminded me of just a few minutes ago. Even though that hurt (as it always has), I was reminded today to focus on what God says about me. God calls us sons and daughters and has adopted us into His wonderful family of believers. At the end of the day, why does it matter what he or she thinks about the way that I talk if God says that I’m precious in his sight? (Isaiah 43:4)

What does it matter what another human thinks or says about me when they aren’t the ones judging or controlling my life (thank God for that!)?

Ultimately, I cannot spend too much time focusing on that. Yes, it was offensive and it hurt, but I cannot hold that grudge against them. I cannot allow people to create disdain in my heart for something that was done or said, because it’ll keep me from focusing on God. I don’t want anything hardening my heart towards the Lord and if it means forgiving this individual for saying a mean thing then I will with God’s strength. 

I will die a second death trying to live for people’s expectations of me. God is the only judge. I want to live for Him. I want to breathe Him and I want to serve Him forever — even when my flesh tries to fight against it. I will not lie and say it did not bother me and that I almost didn’t say something smart back, but what good would that have done? What purpose would that have served and how would that have glorified God?

The last question is one that I need to ask myself more when dealing with things in the world. Would this action, this thought, or this response glorify God or my own selfish desires of the flesh? Would it bring glory to God or to myself as some sort of higher-up?

God comes first. 

Regardless of all the mess that occurred today (most of which I have not mentioned), I have to remember to focus on God and not on what I’m feeling. God is concerned with all of that, so why should I be? He’s fighting my battles and as much as for a while I wanted to fight back with words (because I was triggered back into YEARS of being disrespected, devalued, and having my blackness recanted by people that have NO idea what I’ve experienced in my life to say that I’m not “black enough”), I had to focus on that. I had to focus on the fact that even when I feel like I’m on the battlefield alone, I’m not. God’s in front of me, behind me…he’s all around me! He’s preparing a way and guiding me through the process. For that I am BEYOND grateful to have Him in my life. I love God and I don’t want to imagine my life without Him.

He’s so faithful and deserves praise, even in the storm.

I wish I would’ve realized this sooner and not allowed myself to get so offended for at least an hour or wanting to break down (in addition to something else that happened later), but I thank God for reminding me of that later in the day.

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Love is an Action — Not a Feeling

November 2, 2014

When we say, “I love you” to someone, how often is that loved based on a feeling? How often are we saying that because we’re so consumed with feeling in love that we can’t help, but say it?

How many of us still say or think, “I love you” to our significant other when things aren’t as flowery and when the feelings aren’t there? Do we still love them when they aren’t behaving the way we expect them to or when things aren’t going well?

This is something that the more I’ve grown in Christ, the more I’ve realized. Love is MUCH deeper than a feeling. In fact, I’d go to say that love is NOT a feeling, but an action. You don’t feel love, you show love to your significant other and in that way it’s a very selfless act. Love becomes less about what YOU are feeling or what someone does for YOU and is more about what you do out of love for that other person.

To be completely transparent, although my boyfriend and I have been together for a little while now, there were times in our relationship when both of us were probably considering ending it or wondering whether or not we would make it in the long run. Him and I went through a period where our insecurities were surfacing so much so that both of us were getting the brunt of it. There would be periods of time where he would call me numerous times in the same sitting, if he had not received a response from me right away. He would assume it was because I was going to break up with him. There were also times where I would shut him out and wouldn’t talk to him for hours and hours on end because of my own insecurities and fears. In fact, I remember one specific night I shut down completely and didn’t talk to him or see him for a couple of days because I needed time to think. I think back on that time now and cringe thinking about the pain I must’ve put him through because of my inability to communicate effectively as a result of my own past hurt. It wasn’t on purpose and I hurt thinking about hurting him, but at the time I didn’t know what love was and how to show it. We were growing closer to each other and I started freaking out because I was afraid of him hurting me. I thought I was “protecting” myself when in reality I was hurting him and hurting myself.

I cared for him (I still do), but then I wasn’t sure myself how to show it because I was so broken due to my own past. I didn’t know how to love because I didn’t love myself and never had any positive romantic relationships with men before him. I was hurt and trying to protect my heart, but instead of fully communicating that to him, I would shut him out. I still hadn’t fully dealt with my own issues at the time and it was beginning to seep into my relationship. God had to work in me to push me to communicate with him more whenever I was being triggered or whenever those insecurities would pop instead of shutting him out. He led me to share with my boyfriend what things triggered my insecurities and then the Lord led him to begin working with me on how to heal from those. My boyfriend shared with me what would trigger his own past insecurities, so I then began praying and working on ways to change that and reassure him. However, not too long after that, there was a health situation that occurred where I thought I would almost lose him. Many would’ve probably walked away considering the severity of it, but I knew in that moment that not only did I love him and that regardless of how it turned out, I would be there with him through it all.

It was a rough time for us, but with the grace of God he healed that and healed me. He used that situation to teach us how to communicate effectively to each other in a way that we were both heard and respected. He used that situation and many other situations to heal our past wounds and bring us closer to together and closer to Him. Our relationship isn’t perfect, because we are two imperfect people, but the more we’ve put God at the center of it and aimed to honor Him in our personal relationship with Him and with each other, there have been HUGE strides in our relationship. Things have been much better. I am so grateful we both stuck it out through that difficult time, clung to each other, and began growing in our relationship with God.

I can only credit God for the work he did in our relationship and helping me to realize that part of the difficulty started with me and my own baggage.

But this is what I mean about love. Yes, my boyfriend makes me feel loved but that’s because he shows it in his actions. I never have to question his love for me because he’s always encouraging me not only to grow in my relationship with Christ, but to be a better person in general. He does things for me out of his reverence and love towards me — even when he doesn’t feel like it. He comforts me with the wisdom God gives him when I am sad or feeling distressed. He stops what he’s doing to speak with me and encourage me to keep fighting and doing what God wants me to do. He encourages me to have a healthy relationship with our Lord by encouraging me to stay away from anything that will distract me from His love. I know he loves me because he SHOWS love. He exhibits love in his actions. I remember the first time I told him some information about my past, he asked to pray for me and prayed for me. In fact, for the duration of the earlier parts of our relationship, he was praying that I would grow closer to Christ. I NEVER had a guy do that for me before. I never had a guy care for me enough to pray for me and pray that I would grow closer to the One that loved me before anyone else ever did.

Love is not the feeling we get from someone doing nice things for us, but it’s an act. Love is a selfless act that requires us doing things we may not feel like doing for another person. When you say, “I love you” it’s not because of how that person makes you feel or because they do nice things for you, but because YOU love them. It means that even if this person does not give back to you exactly what you’ve given to them or even if this person is not as perfect as you may like them to be, you admire them for who they are. Love is not about what the person does for YOU, but what you do to show love to another person. God has been reminding me of this more and more.

Let’s look at what the bible says about love:

“Love is patient, love is kind, it is not envious. Love does not brag, it is not puffed up. It is not rude, it is not self-serving, it is not easily angered or resentful. It is not glad about injustice, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.” – 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8 (NKJV)

“Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.” — 1 John 4:8 (NIV)

Notice that in the first example from the bible, how the definition of love is explained in actions. It doesn’t say, “love is a joyous feeling” or “love is when someone sacrifices things for you.” In fact, this definition of love says NOTHING about what others do for us, but EVERYTHING about what WE should be doing for other people. It talks about love as an act as opposed to a feeling. It personifies love and gives it action instead of what it may “feel” like. That I believe is God’s way of explicitly saying (through Paul) that THIS is what love is and THIS is how we should love; we should SHOW love.

We must be patient, kind, and not easily angered. We are to not be envious NOR cocky. We are to refrain from saying mean things and refrain from seeking to solely please ourselves. We must be selfless. We must rejoice in truth and remain honest with each other. We must endure the difficult times and continue fighting for that love to the end.

Notice all of these actions are about what we can do and not what the other person involved in this is supposed to be doing. The focus is on us, as Christians, and how we can show love to others. It’s essentially expressing how we should love and show love rather than necessarily “feeling” it.

This, I believe, is the true definition of love. God IS love. This is how God is towards us. He loves us even though we’ve sinned and even though we’ve run away from Him. He loves us not because we have shown love to Him (typically the kind of love the world tells us to follow), but He loves us because of who HE is and because He loves us. There’s NOTHING we can do to take away His love for us. This is not to say that we should desire to do whatever it is that we want and to hurt Him, but it’s to show how unconditional His love is. It’s to reinforce that God’s love for us is not conditional on what we can do for Him or because He needs us for something. God doesn’t need us, but we certainly need God. His love for us isn’t based on how we respond to what He does for us. His love is unconditional. He’s very patient with us, loving towards us, etc. God’s love is the purest love there is! He can have anything and create anything He wants and yet more than anything He desires to have our hearts. He desires to have our love and for us to be called His children — not because He needs it, but because He loves us and He wants it. How beautiful and humbling is that?

The characteristics of love in the first example I gave seem impossible because for us they are. Do you know how hard it is to remain patient with my students who are cursing at me, yelling at me, and saying things that they are saying out of emotions? Do you not know difficult it is to not be easily angered by that or by someone screaming at you? It is definitely a challenge. I will be the first to admit that it is incredibly difficult for me. These things that we are being asked to do are impossible for us to consistently, but nothing is impossible for God. It is only possible for us to love as God loves if we have a strong relationship with Him. He is the manifestation of love and exhibited that with what was done on Calvary. He’s proven His love for us over and over again, even beyond the cross. We turn to him for the ability to love like He loves and we should ask for the strength and ability to do so. There is no other way and I have learned that the hard way. When I’ve tried to do this myself, it’s been forced and inauthentic. On the surface to others it may look like it, but God knows our hearts.

I am not saying that God expects us to necessarily want to do these things all of the time. I don’t believe for a moment that God is expecting to “feel” like doing all the things people ask us to do, especially not without Him. However, I do believe that God wants us to push past our feelings and instead do it out of reverence and love. The same way God knows our hearts and when we don’t feel like reading the bible or expressing our concerns to Him, but it says a lot to Him when we do it anyway. I think it pleases Him when we do these things, even when we don’t feel like doing it.

There’s plenty of things I don’t want to do or don’t feel like doing, but love is selfless. If it is not self-serving, my wants and needs should not be at the focus whenever I am doing something for someone. God is concerned with that, but that does not mean that we shouldn’t do something nice for someone just because we don’t feel like doing it. I should not be concerned about whether I receive praises or not for giving someone change on the street or for bringing in candy for my students. If I do it for the praises or for admiration, what does that say about me? Not only will I never be fulfilled because I am only doing things for a response from them, but it will also call into question as to whether I really love them or not.

It’s definitely hard sometimes, especially when it comes to my students being mean sometimes, but what kid isn’t like that sometimes? If I love them, my love shouldn’t be conditional and based on how much they love me back or show that love back. The same way if I love my boyfriend or my parents, it shouldn’t be conditional on whether or not I receive something in return or gain some sort of praise for doing my mother a favor.

For example, there have been many times when my boyfriend has wanted to watch a movie or my mom has asked me to do something that I simply did not feel like doing. There are even times when I would be tired from work, but would still try to make time to hang out with my boyfriend because he asked me to and was traveling down from DE to do it. There are times when I would rather sit and talk or continue doing what I was doing before my mother asked me to go grab her glasses from upstairs. But out of love and reverence for them both, I’ve been pushing myself(by the strength of the Lord) to get out of my own feelings and do it because I love them.

I am still learning how to embody this as we speak and God has been convicting me in this when I’m tempted to do otherwise and think solely about myself. I am still praying on this and praying for God to make my heart more like His and I believe He’s doing just that.

Lol, cartoon version of Han and I! I didn’t draw this nor is this drawing based on us, but it sort of favors us a little bit.

 

Love is not a feeling, but an action.

We shouldn’t focus on feeling love, but should focus on how we show it. Are our actions aligned with our words? More importantly, are our actions aligned with God’s word? Can we confidently say that we show our significant other love? 

God is concerned with how we feel. I am certain about that. He is concerned about what we think and whether our needs are met or not. However, the next time we say we “love” someone or we love our job, let’s consider if we really do or not. Do we love them enough to stick through the rough times with them? Do we love them enough to be willing to work things out with them? Do we love them enough to do things for them, even when we don’t feel like it?

Love is patient and love is kind, but let’s also remember that love is not self-serving. I pray that as this week continues that the Lord can remind all of us of that. I pray that the Lord continues to make our hearts like His and makes us desire what He desires.

1 Comment in life, Uncategorized

Safe.

October 26, 2014

There’s only one place where I truly feel safe: in the presence of Jesus.

Yes, my boyfriend makes me feel safe, but I’m sure he can agree that only in the presence of Jesus is where we find true safety.

I feel at peace and at ease. I want to spend the rest of eternity in that presence with Him and I’m grateful that God gave us the opportunity to obtain that through His son, Jesus. I am not perfect and at times I beat myself up for that and feeling like I’m so undeserving of God’s love. Well, the truth is I am undeserving of God’s love. I did and can do absolutely nothing to be worthy of what Christ did for us. I can’t do anything to repay what was done for me, but that doesn’t stop Him from loving me and pulling me closer to Him. It’s because of who He is — not because of anything I’ve done.

I anticipate the day of His coming and the many days after that that I can be held in His arms, thanking Him over and over again in person for what He’s done for me. For the life He saved not just once but NUMEROUS times. I almost ended my own life and yet God saved me just in time. He reminded me that He had something greater and something better planned for me — even though it would be another year before I truly realized that and gave my life to Him. He was still SO faithful, even when I was deliberately sinning and rationalizing my sin. 

There is NO one else like You.

There is no one in this universe like You.

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Breathe.

October 19, 2014

Sometimes we tend to think that as Christians we should have it all together. We should be able to behave and think such perfect things because we hold title. However, only Jesus is perfect. We will be perfected in Him on the day of Christ, but that is NOT by our own doing.

Something the Lord has been reminding me of is that while we should not desire to sin or keep sinning, sometimes we are going to fall. God doesn’t expect us to be perfect right now. He’s meeting each and every one of us where we are and working things out in us, but it’s a process. If we became holy over night, we’d learn nothing. I would even go to say that we’d somehow begin to think that our holiness is because we are holy instead of it being the work of the Holy One in us. We’d start to almost feel like it’s because of our good deeds that we’re holy instead of Christ.

I do not fully understand the process myself and it can be painful at times, but it IS a process. Jesus is consistently working in us to make us more like Him.

I know it’s hard, but don’t beat yourself up about these things. Just repent, pray, and lean closer to God. You are loved SO much by Him and He’s working in you. Don’t give up before you have the chance to truly see this come to pass.

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