We’re afraid of a lot of things that we are often times not willing to admit publicly. For example, I’m afraid of clowns, but for a while mentioning that made me feel like people would laugh at me for fearing something typically for children. You could definitely thank Stephen King for that lovely fear.
Anyway, I have also been afraid of love, mainly because I’ve felt unworthy of love. I always thought that due to experiences I’ve had, love would not come to me because I had not had much luck in that sphere of my life. However, thinking so negatively only made things worse and it seemed that I kept fulfilling the same prophecy that I created in my head on my own: “I’m going to be alone.”
That thinking led me to make some pretty foolish decisions based on my naive trust and want for love as well as ended up with some pretty crappy guys in the past. Not all of the guys I’ve cared for have been bad, but there are those that looking back on them now I cannot help but be perplexed by my decision to see them.
But how would my life be different if that fear no longer resided in me? Not necessarily just with love, but with everything. What would happen in my life if I no longer led by fear and simply went on and did the things I wanted to do (within reason)? What would happen if I finally realized that the only thing holding me back from growing through and out of certain experiences is me?
I am not minimizing my experiences by any means, but saying that for my own health and sanctity I needed to take active steps to forgive and let go.
And I mean really forgive as opposed to saying I forgive them, but finding myself getting angry again about it a couple hours later. It is not saying that I do not deserve to be upset or that these moments won’t come and go, but learning how to control my own reactions. As I continue to dig deeper into my own layers of pain and hurt, it is crucial to not only allow myself the time to cry, but not let my emotions get the best of me.
Crying, anger, fear… all of that is normal. However, allowing those feelings to consume me to the point where I allow things to make me feel like I am not worthy of love or any negative thoughts of that sort is not going to make me feel any better. I had to learn that, internalize that, and finally learn to live it.
As I continue to go through life and grow in my relationships with loved ones and God, I hope that my positivity grows as well. Besides, someone once said that while we cannot control what other people say or feel or think, we can certainly control ourselves.