Can I be honest with you all for a minute?

I confess that I think I have a problem with perfection, which I am sure is rooted in pride. Ever since I was younger, I was known as the “good one” or the “nice girl that works hard” so I often feel pressure to fulfill that. I always feel like I have to go above and beyond to be kind to people and make sure they aren’t being inconvenienced and that I’m never allowed to make a mistake. I don’t know why I’ve been conditioned to think this way, but I have.

Whenever I make a mistake or I feel like I’ve failed at being able to do something, it kills me. Not literally, of course, but figuratively. I feel like suddenly people are judging me and labeling me as being inept to do my job because that’s what I keep bullying myself about.

“You couldn’t figure out a schedule? You’ve failed.”

“Are you sure you can do this job? You can’t even do this one thing!”

I love what I do! I’m very grateful and excited to be working in this position. I am praying that if God wills it, I may remain in this position and with His strength, He may be glorified through me and that all I’m being asked to do can be accomplished. But some of this is very new for me. While my experiences definitely help to support this area, this is my first time being in a position like this. There’s a lot of hats that I wear and while I’m incredibly grateful for it, I think I bully myself quite a lot for making mistakes or not understanding things. Sometimes, I bully myself for the age that I am and I begin feeling like I don’t deserve it. Sometimes, I get stuck in my head and I feel like I am not even worthy of such a position. I go from feeling super humbled to being very critical of myself.

In a way, I don’t deserve it. There’s a lot of things I don’t deserve. I didn’t deserve what Christ did on the cross. I don’t deserve this apartment I have. But that didn’t stop Christ from doing what He did. He doesn’t move by my works. He doesn’t stop loving me or stop desiring my heart because I’ve failed. He doesn’t give me things only when I do this one thing or another. Yes, there are rewards for obedience, but it’s not our obedience that gets us things — the same way it’s not our obedience that saves us; It’s Jesus.

It’s not my desired perfection that will bring me favor with God. 

It’s not my ability to develop a successful program that will make Jesus love me more.

It doesn’t matter what I do. I could be super successful and just about everything and that won’t change what Jesus does or how He feels about me. His love is unchanging. Although, I don’t feel like I deserve a lot of things I’ve been given, I know it’s because of Jesus and His endless grace that I have it and I pray that with everything He’s given me that it can be used for His glory. That He may teach me to have a servant heart fixated on the matters of His kingdom and what He wants me to do.

I want to be the woman He wants me to be. Even if that woman is not the woman of perfection that I’d like to be. He loves me as I am, so I should love me too — complicatedness and all.

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I must remember to seek His kingdom — not perfection or success. I’m to seek Jesus. Everything else will fall into place. God states this in His word.

“Seek the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things will be added to you.” — Matthew 6:33

God didn’t say seek perfection, but to seek the kingdom and to seek HIS righteousness. If I am busy seeking those things, I don’t have time to condemn myself because I’ll understand that it’s not by my strength anyway. It’s not because of me that lives are being saved. It’s not because of me that I’ve been able to get some speakers to come for our school’s chapel. It’s because of Him. It’s because of Jesus.

but I’ve been trying to remind myself that it’s not about me. It’s about Christ. Yes, I’m not going to be able to do everything correctly, but when I do or when I don’t doesn’t matter. What matters most is who my eyes are on and what I do in either of those situations.

Do I praise Jesus when things go well?

Do I praise Jesus and call on Him when things don’t and I need help?

I cannot do any of this on my own and I am not perfect — a phrase I know that’s uttered often, but it’s true.

I am going to screw up, sometimes.

I am going to second-guess my abilities.

I am going to fail at things.

But Jesus NEVER fails.

He’s never screwed up.

He’s always able to do things. 

Therefore, I must call on Him instead of putting everything on myself. I must remember that this life is bigger than me. It’s bigger than what I can and cannot do. There’s things God has called me to that I don’t really know how it’s going to work out, but it’s not for me to understand. It’s not for me to figure out. I don’t have control over these things, but I know Jesus does. I know I can trust God.

Dear Lord, 

Thank You for all that You’ve done and all that You’re doing for our sake and for Your glory. Please remind us when we’re seeking things other than You such as perfection or idols, to seek You, Lord. Convict and redirect us, Lord, so that You may be first in our lives. Even as we’re tempted to be critical of ourselves and our abilities, may we be reminded that YOU are able to do ALL things, God. Nothing is too hard for You, God. Please help us to walk daily in Your Spirit as we die to our egos, and fill our hearts with You and Your word forever and ever. Amen.